Saturday, April 25, 2009

5 and 0.

Friday marked the fifth time (that we are aware of) that we have been shown and not been chosen. Or, I should say, that our profile was shown to someone who was not our birthmother, not our baby's first mother.

It's okay.

There is a familiar drop in my stomach, a quick numbness, and then I realize that I have skills for dealing with disappointment. I have more skills, even, that I need for this. Believe it or not, I have been rejected before. Believe it or not, as I take the deep breath and back away from the computer for a moment after reading the email, I'm grateful for those other experiences of rejection. I am, almost, proud of them.

Look, I tell my extremely awkward and lonely adolescence. I hated you when you were here, but without you I wouldn't have been ready for this.

Look, I tell the love life of my early twenties, you broke my heart over and over. And taught me that I'd rather be broken for risking than whole and wondering what if. Thanks to you, I am fully aware of how good I've got it now. (and that I can get through heartache. That it pays off at the end of the day.)

Look, I tell the crisis of faith of my college years, I felt flat and lost when you were with me. But without you I wouldn't know that faith can heal like a broken bone, stronger than before. That relationship with the Divine is no different than any other relationship. I have to let it be what it really is, and let the projections and pretenses go, or I'll lose the whole damn thing.

So, suffice to say, I hope we don't go much higher than 5 and 0. I hope we know something (anything!) about our baby soon. But - tempting fate, I realize - I can take more than this.

I'll go 150-0 if I have to, to find you, little one. I can be lonely longer, if I need to, to find the one and only you. My heart can keep right on breaking. And I've got the faith to let you be who you are, to arrive when you get here, and peace to rest in through my impatience while your dad and I find our way to you.

5 and 0, psh. I'm tough enough.

6 comments:

  1. What an awesome attitude you have. I think this is one of those posts that I'll have to refer back to when I'm needing strength and inspiration. I'm sorry you have to keep waiting, but also not sorry, because your baby isn't sorry. Does that make sense?

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  2. You are so strong! I hope you get the call soon!

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  3. Your heart for this baby is beautiful. And you are right. One day you will have your baby and you won't be able to imagine that it could have happened any other way than how it did. (That was a word that comforted me when I had a miscarriage.)

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  4. {hugs} i'm going to need to read these posts again when we are in your shoes. (wow i just read the above comments.. so yeah.. ditto what evergreen said).

    i'm trying to use the same attitude in our wait right now.. it's not "time".. so hard to stay strong. you are amazing!

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  5. hm - I should also mention that all the rejection in the world wouldn't be enough prep without the support and encouragement of my friends. Yes even (especially?) internet friends.

    thanks ladies. I really, truly, appreciate you. ♥

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  6. I wish these folks could read your blog. They'd pick you in an instant.


    But I like the comment above, that YOR baby is not sorry, because YOUR baby is maybe just being conceived right now, or last month (etc), and isn't ready for you yet.

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