Friday, August 28, 2009

Accepting "Alternative"

My phone rang yesterday and I looked down to see Liz's name on the caller id. But I didn't freak out - she had warned me via email that she might be calling. This is how sensitive she is: she knew that without warning the first thing I would think was MATCH!!!! and didn't want to get my hopes up.

It was good to touch base with her using real voices and not the internet, for a change. I was able to ask questions and get a good picture of where we are and what's coming up.

I asked her again about profile feedback, and she assured me that we don't need to change our profile, and that it's normal to wonder when you haven't been picked.

Turns out, we come across as a little, well, a little alternative. She seemed reluctant to tell me this, because Liz loves our profile. In fact, most of the people who work for the various agencies who have it love our profile.

"But you have to understand," Liz said "Texas has a different culture."

I get it. And it's okay. We don't have a big house, a fancy car, a large yard just begging for children to play in it. We have a cozy little condo two miles from downtown and a playground full of neighborhood kids across the street. We don't have a stay-at-home mom, just waiting for someone to stay at home for. We've got two people who both want to be at home with our kids part of the time and also working part of the time. Who plan to make that happen for ourselves. We are a heterosexual Christian couple, something quite popular from what I understand, but we don't look a lot like other "Christian" couples. I am studying to be a priest, and there are plenty of Christians in Texas(and other places) who don't think women should do such things. There are tattoos and drumsets in our profile.

I'm not discouraged by this, because I want our child's first mom to be someone who sees us - as we really are - and thinks our lifestyle is a good place for a baby to live and grow. We knew going into it that being "alternative" could work for us or against us. Time wise it sure feels like it's working against us. But in the long run I firmly believe it'll be a good thing. She'll find us.


  1. i can relate to this too. we do not have a big house. and we already have 2 kids. one is adopted but still...i really like the pics i've seen of y'all. and i always think "artsy". LOL
    coco waiting with WACAP...

  2. You don't seem too "alternative" for me - and I'm sure there will be an emom that thinks you're just the right amount "alternative" for her child. Hang in there. :)

  3. HEY!!! I'm in TEXAS. And we live in an apartment. No yard, barely any room to live with a growing child somedays! And there are plenty of girls here who will look right past those tattoos. And we've got plenty of women in churches speaking. But I know what you mean completely. Texas is a weird state. I'm not a Texan just live here. But honestly I know you're just using it as an example.

    There is one tiny thing on your profile that will catch the eye of your child's birthmom's. Trust me. My husband and I would play a guessing game often wondering what we would be picked for. He thought it would be a picture of me in front of the crib full of huge Winnie the Pooh characters. Me, I thought it would have something to do with my time in Guatemala. When we were going to be shown the second time I kept praying (knowing that she was hispanic) that she would see that I lived in Guatemala and pick us because of it. She decided to parent and I was left wondering why I was praying so strongly about it.
    Turns out Monica picked us because of my time in Guatemala.

    I doubted my profile big time. Trust yourself if you feel it needs to be changed. We changed ours because something changed in my husband job and I was so much happier with it. Took forever to complete too, so many problems. Probably took 3 weeks to get it printed until I finally had it at the agency. It arrived the day Isabel was born. Monica contacted the agency two days later.

  4. I totally get what you're saying. People consider my husband and me "alternative" too and sometimes I feel that we get lost behind that. The most important thing is that you are being honest and upfront about who you are. Not every birth mom wants a picture perfect mother, house, etc. I think if it were me having to pick my child's new family, those "perfect" types would make me wonder what's really going on there and perhaps a bit nervous. You guys are perfect just the way you are and someday soon you'll meet the birthmother of your child...I'll bet she'll be awesome and unique and wonderful, just like you!

  5. oh i hear you.. we talk a lot about how our birth mom will be someone really special (for a zillion reasons) to pick us because we are.. um.. different. it will be perfect..

    thanks again for dealing with my dead horse beating today :)

  6. Remember that Dan Savage and his partner were picked by there birth mom because they were the only couple she felt she could relate to....

  7. Something seems to 'just clicks' when you find THEM... One of the things that confirmed my selection was that their dog was named after the main character in my favorite movie. It was just an encouragement that not only did they meet my criteria, but we'd actually get along. I know there were several things in their profile that would have seemed unappealing to a lot of potential birthmoms, but, for me, they were the perfect match. You never know what detail will click from someone. I'm sure it's a frustrating wait, but the right woman with the right baby will find you :) Good luck!

  8. Yes! Britney, that is so encouraging to hear. I do believe that there is someone who'll click with us "alternative" seeming and all.

    Debbie - I lauged out loud when I read your comment! I actually thought of you when I was writing this, just before I clicked post. ♥

    Sometimes, Carla, I feel like we're not different ENOUGH...but you're right.

    Em, Rachel, Coco - I know we're all in this boat, right?! Although, R you won't have to worry as much about getting picked.

    thanksgivingmom - thank you. ♥

  9. A, I LOVED your profile! The thing about being honestly yourselves in your profile is that it will attract the right gal for you, and your relationship will grow because of that. We definitely don't have that big house suburban lifestyle, and neither does Pinecone's birth mother - nor do either of us want it. Hang in there. The wait will be worth it when it is over.

  10. I just had this really weird thought: I'm visualizing your dossier like a roaming gnome. He'll come home soon and *oh boy* will he have some stories to tell about the "interesting" people he's met... :)