And that's the constant dilemma. I've read other adoptive moms write about how they spent so much time preparing for the adoption process that they didn't prepare as well as they would have liked for the parenting process to follow. I totally get that. Preparing in real ways is emotionally perilous.
I bought cloth diapers in February, after getting the first notice that we were being shown and spending way too much time on the natural parenting boards on the ovusoft websites. Not only did we buy diapers and a moby wrap, but we got the cradle from my brother, a car seat and baby bath from Kelly and Kari, and a bunch of gender neutral baby clothes. I'm really glad we have that stuff, it's important to me that we're prepared.
But the cradle is just usually full of laundry.
The car seat and baby bath are wedged into our storage space, where Andrew exiled them after I had a particularly hopeless night.
The moby wrap is still at my brother's, where my nephew used it for the first few months of his life.
And I don't haunt those natural parenting boards anymore.
Preparing feels like punishment, sometimes. If six-months-ago me had known that on August 20th we'd be in the same position we were on February 9th would I have rearranged the bedroom and spent hours online wavering between diaper service and washing our own? Would I have read The Happiest Baby on the Block in a day?
It's hard to strategize about this stuff, because it could be tomorrow and I'll wish that I had already secured a diaper pail and bottles and a co-sleeping strategy, or I could be waking up Christmas morning and wondering if I should take the time to fold all the laundry that will have piled up in our still-empty cradle, and deciding whether to laugh or cry at the memory of my certain hopeful old self who thought we'd get chosen right away.
Back in February I tried to start a baby registry at Amazon.com. It seemed like it would be fun, even though we're not going to have a shower or any sort of party before kiddo is here. But they wouldn't let me do it without a due date. So...I didn't. Because we don't have a due date, and the last thing I wanted was to enter a random date, have it pass, and get some sort of "congrats on your new baby" email from amazon.com. I would feel like a fraud. True confession: I often do feel like a fraud, as if this whole "we're adopting" thing is a giant fairytale castle in the sky and I have no business behaving as if I am actually going to become a mother at the end of this thing.
So I am doing my best to keep up on my coping strategies. This is what I've learned so far:
- It is not helpful to google "WACAP AAI" and look for the blogs of families who have gotten their babies in the time we've been waiting.
- It is helpful to write a whiny blog entry every now and again, just to get my negative energy off my own chest and out into the universe where it can't hurt anyone.
- Excitement and hope come and go like tides. Lucky for me how I feel doesn't actually have any effect on the end result of this process.
- Now is as good a time as any to break myself of using food to make myself feel better. Which is too bad, because damn my husband is an amazing cook.
So there it is: my monthly low point. I will be treating my condition with a strong dose of ladies' night out with two of my best girls (we are going to see The Time Traveler's Wife and we will cry and cry!) and then a pizza party tomorrow night to celebrate the end of Andrew's 2nd quarter of school. Which won't help with the comfort food thing but eh. I'll be right as rain by the weekend, pricing goat's milk formula and pestering Andrew about bottle choices and bedroom decor. Ebb and flow.