First things first - an update.
As of latest Doctor's visit baby J's due date is a firm (they promise me it is firm) November 1. My learning here is this: if you don't know when a pregnancy begins, exactly, it is very hard to tell when it might end! I suspect that Y would like it to be over, and perhaps her own estimates were skewed in the "get this over with" direction. This is okay, we definitely want baby J to have all the time she needs with her first mommy growing and getting ready for her big debut. There are a million reasons why more time on this end is a good thing - time to talk more with Y, time to get established in school for both of us, time to have a really strong idea of how finances are going to work out, time to get absolutely ready, time to refine and complete our baby registry, etc. So I am telling myself to be patient, with great hope that now there actually is an end date to all the waiting.
As we talk more with V and with Y, and get to know them both and to understand their relationship with each other Andrew and I lean more and more towards going sooner rather than later. Those who know us well will not be shocked by this.
"What is the harm in waiting a few days?" My best friend from childhood said to me the other day on the phone. I hadn't told her which way I was leaning but she knows me very very well. "I'm not a mom, I'm your best friend, and I am looking out for you," she stated firmly. "I know you've been waiting forever, and that all your focus is on that baby, but what is a couple days in the interest of protecting your heart?"
It makes sense. But, as I told Nat, neither Andrew or myself are ones to let logic trump our gut instincts. (Myers-Briggs Feeling types, for those of you who speak MBTI.) Natalie hasn't been the only one with an opinion - as we weigh our options many of my beloveds have also weighed in, something I treasure about my intimate friendships. I've noticed that those who are parents (including my own sweet mother), or plan to be parents tend to fall on the "of course you'll go, whether it's the smartest choice or not" side of the spectrum, while those who don't plan to parent ever, or anytime soon, are determined to help me look out for myself.
All of it makes me feel treasured and loved. As does the comments and support we receive here.
So here's where I am right now. (Subject, as everything in this process seems to be, to change.) I want to trust Y. I know that is risky, I know that she is going through something that I cannot imagine or truly understand. But, to me, waiting and having her baby placed into a transitional care home instead of our arms doesn't communicate the trust that I want to exist at the foundation of our relationship. She chose us and she clearly wants us to be the people who are with baby J from the moment she is born.
Yes, she may change her mind. (It is, even, her right to do so.) But as I learn more about Y I am struck with how she is persevering through a time in her life when she must feel deprived of a lot of control, in a world with limited choices available to her. What she did with one of the few real choices she had was choose us. So, at the moment, my desire to honor that choice is greater than my desire to protect myself against a change of plans.