Tuesday, September 29, 2009

digging in and the value of trust

First things first - an update.

As of latest Doctor's visit baby J's due date is a firm (they promise me it is firm) November 1. My learning here is this: if you don't know when a pregnancy begins, exactly, it is very hard to tell when it might end! I suspect that Y would like it to be over, and perhaps her own estimates were skewed in the "get this over with" direction. This is okay, we definitely want baby J to have all the time she needs with her first mommy growing and getting ready for her big debut. There are a million reasons why more time on this end is a good thing - time to talk more with Y, time to get established in school for both of us, time to have a really strong idea of how finances are going to work out, time to get absolutely ready, time to refine and complete our baby registry, etc. So I am telling myself to be patient, with great hope that now there actually is an end date to all the waiting.

As we talk more with V and with Y, and get to know them both and to understand their relationship with each other Andrew and I lean more and more towards going sooner rather than later. Those who know us well will not be shocked by this.

"What is the harm in waiting a few days?" My best friend from childhood said to me the other day on the phone. I hadn't told her which way I was leaning but she knows me very very well. "I'm not a mom, I'm your best friend, and I am looking out for you," she stated firmly. "I know you've been waiting forever, and that all your focus is on that baby, but what is a couple days in the interest of protecting your heart?"

It makes sense. But, as I told Nat, neither Andrew or myself are ones to let logic trump our gut instincts. (Myers-Briggs Feeling types, for those of you who speak MBTI.) Natalie hasn't been the only one with an opinion - as we weigh our options many of my beloveds have also weighed in, something I treasure about my intimate friendships. I've noticed that those who are parents (including my own sweet mother), or plan to be parents tend to fall on the "of course you'll go, whether it's the smartest choice or not" side of the spectrum, while those who don't plan to parent ever, or anytime soon, are determined to help me look out for myself.

All of it makes me feel treasured and loved. As does the comments and support we receive here.

So here's where I am right now. (Subject, as everything in this process seems to be, to change.) I want to trust Y. I know that is risky, I know that she is going through something that I cannot imagine or truly understand. But, to me, waiting and having her baby placed into a transitional care home instead of our arms doesn't communicate the trust that I want to exist at the foundation of our relationship. She chose us and she clearly wants us to be the people who are with baby J from the moment she is born.

Yes, she may change her mind. (It is, even, her right to do so.) But as I learn more about Y I am struck with how she is persevering through a time in her life when she must feel deprived of a lot of control, in a world with limited choices available to her. What she did with one of the few real choices she had was choose us. So, at the moment, my desire to honor that choice is greater than my desire to protect myself against a change of plans.


  1. What a tough choice- I'll keep praying for you guys as you go through this.

  2. That makes sense to me, A -- the instinct to go early, I mean. Especially if it will help Y feel as secure as possible in the midst of such momentous events.

    But it's good that you've got Nat looking out for you, too.

    Continued prayers, for all involved.

  3. You are so sensitive and thoughtful of Y and her process - it is really neat to read about. You are of course very lucky that she chose you, but she too is very lucky that she chose you.

    I (of course) lean on the "go early" side. We had to make that choice for our failed adoption, knowing the risk, and we wouldn't have done it differently. We felt like we were adults, but she was just a little baby. She needed to be showered with unconditional love from the get-go more than we needed to protect our hearts. It was heartbreaking to give her back after 6 days, but still totally worth it.

    My 2 cents.

  4. Still thinking of you, Beth! I would go early too. Keep me posted.

    ♥ Meg

  5. As much as we try to protect our hearts, the fact is, in our way, we've already bonded to the child before he or she is born (or are matched, in my case). Being there early and having to face a failed adoption would really suck, but if it goes as planned, wouldn't it be wonderful if she could feel your loving touch and hear your voice right after she was born? If you weren't there, you would miss out on those first few moments of her life. That to me would make the risk worth it. But, obviously, it's you and your husband's choice to make and, no matter what any one says, you have to do what's right for you.

  6. I love your spirit in how you guys are approaching the immediate placement. We chose immediate placement with one of our adoptions and there was a ten day waiting period where the birthmother could change her mind. At day five she started really struggling with her decision and had questions, etc. We sent her a letter and pictures and just assured her, without trying to beg or negotiate, that he was doing great. It was extremely hard for me and I actually asked my Mom to take care of our son for those first few hours of the disturbing phone call. But she came to me later and said, "Melody, I will take care of him for you (she came to our house) until this is settled but I think you need to consider that God has allowed him to be in your home and is it possible that God has called you to be his mother for only ten days. If so, you need to love and care for him as if he were going to be with you for eighteen years." I can hardly say those words without tearing up. Her words spoke great truth into my heart and I took my baby back and just prayed that God would allow me to love without any kind of distance in my heart. The letters and pictures and conversation with the birthmother ended up being an incredible testiment to God's sovereingty and she called back with great confidence at several specific things that had been mentioned on our end that she knew God had used to speak to her. At midnight on the tenth day we had a huge pajama pancake party with our friends and prayed for our birthmother and praised God for the finalization (as far as termination of rights) of the process. I'm sorry to have turned this whole comment about ME.....didn't intend to do that. I really am praying for you guys and for your baby girl. I can't wait to hear more about it...I know you can't either!