Saturday, October 24, 2009

Home Again and Perspective

We're home,and glad to be here.

Here's the timeline, if you are interested:

  • Thursday morning we arrived in Atlanta, checked into our hotel and headed to the hospital.
  • Thursday afternoon we spent with Y and the baby, holding the baby and talking with Y. Everything felt great and finally Y asked if she could get on with signing the papers. We left for the lobby and waited.
  • We waited for about four hours.
  • V. found us, and told us that Y just couldn't sign. She wasn't sure yet, and needed the night to think about it.
  • Thursday night we watched TV(thank you ABC Thursday nights!), cried, watched more TV read books, sent text messages, made a blog post and prepared ourselves for a change in plans. Spent hours on the phone with V. And cried.
  • Friday morning we headed to the hospital and Y told us that she couldn't place the baby. She did it in person, which we appreciate. We gave her the little outfit we had planned to bring the baby home in. She told us the baby's name, which is Choice. We hugged, and cried, and she asked us to be Choice's godparents. We said no. And we all cried some more.
  • Friday afternoon we got on a plane home. I started crying every time a service person asked us where the baby was (because of the car seat). A teensy tiny part of me was amused at how quickly my tears discouraged further questions.
  • Friday evening during our layover in Charlotte we deleted all the pictures we had of Choice.
  • Late last night we landed in Seattle, and now we are home.

So let me tell you what is on our minds/hearts right now. This was an excruciating experience. It was emotionally and financially expensive. We are sad and we are disappointed and a little exasperated. But we're not angry and we do not regret the experience. Choice is not our baby. We do not want anyone else's baby. And we absolutely respect Y's choice. We may wish, for our own comfort and well being, that she had made it sooner or done it differently. But we're not in her shoes, we have no idea what she went through, and I believe that it was important for her relationship with her baby daughter for her to make that choice. We head home to life well equipped to recover and move on. She headed home yesterday to a completely different set of options. Our prayers go with her, even though our connection to her needs to end.

So some perspective: no one is dead, here. There is a healthy beautiful baby who is going home with a mommy who loves her very much. There are two sad but hopeful people here who love each other very much and have such amazing and firm support from their community that they could (knock on wood) survive much worse than this. We are - all four of us - through this experience alive and hopeful and moving toward happier things.

We love you, we appreciate your support and care and sharing of our disappointment. We ask that you also share our hope, optimism, and complete respect for Y and her decision.



  1. So hard, and you are both so brave. Hugs, prayers, and general good vibes for all of you.

  2. Wow what a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing all during the process and I will definitely share your hope, optimism and respect for Y. Welcome home

  3. I'm so sorry for all you've been through this week. Wishing much healing and comfort for you, and smooth roads ahead for Y and Choice.

  4. You have been and will continue to be in my prayers.

  5. Great post. I've seen a few of these situations happen over the years and I don't mean to be rude to anyone but you show so much maturity and acceptance of the situation. I know you wanted this baby to come home with you but at the same time you understand that she wasn't and isn't yours to do so.
    Interesting name she picked. I hope and pray for your sake that she does not try to contact you and try to be friends. Sounds as though you need that complete closure. Lifting you all up in prayer. And looking forward to who is on the next page of your story.

  6. Many hugs to you 2. I so appreciate your perspective and acceptance of the situation. You are right - Choice was not meant to be your baby, and as a friend (who had adopted) told me after our failed adoption: "I am sorry for you, but the baby who is meant to be yours isn't sorry." Being on the other side of it, I will tell, it is so true. I learned alot from our experience and wouldn't change it. It was worth the heartache. Something else that someone said that helped a lot is "An open heart is more of what this world needs." By being open and loving, we set ourselves up for heartbreak. But it is worth it.

    You are more able to create closure than I was. I wore a locket with Baby Bird's picture on my neck everyday. The clasp broke because I opened it and looked at it so often. The chain broke and it fell off my neck - encouraging me to put it to rest and put away the locket and the experience - 2 weeks before Pinecone was born.

    So the hope I will offer you is that you 2 find the strength and courage and open-heart to move on after allowing yourself to heal. And then you will be moving on to a new situation that will bring the baby to you that is absolutely meant to be yours.

  7. I am so sorry that you are going through this -- we had three matches that didn't work out before we brought our son home. It was extremely painful, but I felt as you do. We wanted those babies' moms to make the choice that was right for them. It hurt so, so much but we would never have wanted to bring home a baby that didn't belong with us.

    Looking back, I think those sad times made us stronger in the end. I hope that you find peace and hope and I can't wait for the day that I check your blog and find out that you are home with your baby.

  8. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like baby Choice will be very loved, and that's so important, but you need to take time to grieve this loss.

  9. Wow, this is one of my biggest fears as we wait for an adoption to happen. But you have such a wonderful perspective on it. Thank you so much for sharing. I know the right baby will come along at the right time, for you and for us. But this must be just so very hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  10. You are both wonderful people. You show such amazing empathy and kindness, such a lack of selfishness that I am in awe. I'm in a different situation but I know how many times I've had to revise my planning, hopes and dreams over the past years. It can be heartbreaking but it sounds like you already have a recovery plan and a team of supporters right there, which has to be a good thing. We will all be hoping for your baby to come to you. Take care of each other.

  11. I wrote recently in my blog ( we had a recent failed match) that ..."The feelings of adoption can be raw at times....they can hurt to the bone...but they can also ignite love and joy in a roomful of beating hearts. We will make it through this journey full of love and joy...we just aren't there yet." You will make it through this....your heart will feel that love and joy. Here's to hoping that this occurs sooner than later for you! You have an awesome insight so many others have a difficult time with...this strength will carry you to your child. Sending you warm wishes!

  12. I can't say anything better than the folks above said, but just wanted to chime in that you are handling this so well, and you are absolutely right. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

  13. Hello, Mary DeJ just passed your blog on to me, so the first post I read was "radio silence" and this was the second post.

    Yes, your thoughts are on the right track. But even though no one is dead, it's fair to say this is an emotional critical injury, one in which you are still dealing with the shock and are still in the process of stopping the bleeding and assesing the damamge.

    Having been on my own adoption roller coaster, which I later decided to call the adoption "getting hit by a bus," I encourage you to put yourself in emotional critical care. I wish I had sought out professional counseling much, much earlier in my process.

    I haven't read any of the rest of your blog, so if you're already doing something like this please excuse my ignorance.

    We started our foster-adoption process about 4.5 years ago, had placement of two biological brothers 3 years ago, had huge bio-family drama in the 18 months following. In the end, the adoption was finalized. We had hoped to retain some basic contact with the bio-parents, which isn't very common in foster-adoption, but the security and safety concerns were just too high in this situation.

    (We are in Seattle.)

  14. A+A, Hugs and you are in my thoughts. Your blog opens my mind wider than I thought was possible.

  15. I'm so sorry. Wishing you hope, healing, and recovery.

  16. Sending you both love from across the world. xxxo

  17. I've only just met you, but I have the greatest admiration and respect for you based on how you're handling a very difficult situation.


  18. Hi, I'm here from LFCA and I am in tears reading this. I am so sorry. you both have a beautiful perspective on this but my goodness, how painful. You both are in my thoughts.

  19. My heart wrenched reading this... I'm so very sorry for your experience, and I send warm hopes your way. For what it's worth, your composure and maturity and empathy are touching and admirable.

    ~from LFCA~

  20. hi a. i've been following your blog for a couple of months now, and i have been enjoying following your journey. this news is heartbreaking. my thoughts are with you, and your patience and wonderful hearts will pay off big. -ggg

  21. Weeping with you (really). Thank you for sharing with all of us.

  22. you are amazing. I am so sorry that this wasn't the situation for you....but I'm honored to be here as you navigate this, and witness you doing it with such incredible integrity and respect for Y.

    Having said that - please don't feel that you need to be the poster people for "handling a lost placement with class." If you're angry - allow yourself to be angry. That goes for every other emotion you might be having - even the not so pretty ones. We'll all still support you through those :)

    Warmest hugs and best wishes to you both.

  23. I am so sorry to hear this new - but know that the right thing will happen when it is meant to for you guys. I love you both and maybe this coming sunday afternoon we could all hang out. Busy Friday and Sat. I will give you a call this week.

    Breanne Curran

  24. I'm just catching up with your posts and I just want to let you know that I - I want to say how sorry I am - but it seems insufficient. As you say, no one is dead and Choice is with her mum who loves her very much, but still as one who sits in my first and last attempt to build a family, you are experiencing what I fear the most. But this isn't about me, it's about you and Andrew. And I have to say that I am UPLIFTED AND INSPIRED by your love for one another, your strong spirit and your big heart. It is so obvious and all I can say is that I am here abiding with you as you rebuild your dream. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.