Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Suspended Animation

I haven't felt much like blogging lately, probably because it feels like there isn't a whole lot to say. Y is still pregnant. Things are still on-track. The issues that V was concerned about are still issues, but both V and I are less worried that they will be the sort of issues that cause a change of heart for Y. I think about Y every day, pray for her, imagine what she looks like, try to remember what she sounds like. I would talk to her every day if that were remotely possible.

It's not. She barely has time to make it to doctor's appointments, much less talk to me, the person who will be going home with her baby in a few weeks. I get it, I totally understand. When we do talk it's good, though. V assures me that it's not just me who hangs up the phone feeling better about everything.

Y saved ultrasound photos for us, and V has apparently put them in the mail. I was touched that Y would think to send them to us. V told me that after Y got done with her ultrasound they were looking over the pictures together and neither one of them could tell which end was up. Apparently Y said to V, "It's okay. Alissa will be able to see the baby in the pictures, she'll know what she's looking at."

I hope I will. Y sounds so confident in me, I don't want to let her down.

So that's what's up. I feel like there isn't much to tell, in some ways everything is suspended while we wait for baby J to make her appearance, and for whatever is going to happen after that to happen. But at the same time there is a lot of animation, much movement here. We are slowly collecting what we'll need, taking inventory of the mountain of sweet hand-me-down clothes from friends, scrambling to finish one last purge of our clothes and things, deciding on bottles and swaddles and sleepers and many many more things. I want this camera. I want the perfect nursery. I want to finish all the schoolwork I can now, so I can be all about her when she arrives, if she is indeed to be mine. (I want to believe that this is really going to happen.)

V asked Y how important it is to her that we are there when the baby is born, on a scale of 1 to 10. She said 10.

So we are trying to protect ourselves in little ways. I don't use the name we picked out, I literally say "the baby" or "baby J." Andrew is even more careful than I am. We don't say "our" or "my" when we talk about her. I don't think the word "daughter" has been spoken aloud in our house. Other people jokingly refer to us as "mom" or "daddy" but we don't use those words to describe ourselves.

Instead we get ready, we make a place for her in our home and our hearts and we wait, fingers crossed and eyes open, in suspended animation.


  1. When will you be going? That's a tough call, deciding when to go out, because who knows when labor will be. But it's really cool that Y wants you there so much. Doing those things to protect yourself are smart. And let me tell you, even after she is home with you, snuggled in your arms, you'll still pinch yourself and say "is this real? is she really mine?" I still do that. Even after spending all day with Pinecone, at night when we are snuggled in bed, I just watch her sleep and can't believe she's there. It's quite amazing. I'm so happy that you'll most likely be experiencing this too in a few short weeks.

  2. I'm praying for you every day. I hope you get to take baby J home. Even though there isn't much to stay, keep updating! Or at least keep posting with no updates! I think of you everyday and can't wait to hear more. November 1st is getting so close! :)
    ♥ Meg

  3. Evergreen: we're going to go for the birth if we can. Y thinks she will end up being induced, in which case it won't be difficult to time things. If she goes into labor sooner we'll just hop on a plane as soon as we hear and hope for the best!

  4. Totally understandable that you keeping yourself guarded. This journey is definitely not for the faint of heart. You are doing an amazing job of staying positive and optimistic, yet still realistic. Keeping you and your hubby in my thoughts and prayers these next few weeks.

  5. If you can't pick out the baby in the ultrasounds, I think you can take them to your doctor and ask for help. =) That's my understanding anyway. Good luck staying positive as you enter the home stretch!

  6. I've been keeping up with your blog since Andy linked to it on facebook, and I've been so excited for the time I would check it out and see that you had been chosen. I haven't checked back in a while, and this was such an exciting entry to read! I'm a huuuuuge campaigner for adoption, and I'm so excited for you guys. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope it all works out!

  7. Watching and waiting along with you guys :)

  8. I'm not sure how this comment will be received but I'm speaking from my experience....Let yourself dream just a bit about this baby. I know very well that you need to remain cautious but when we were picked I guarded my heart to closely. Now I'm still working at peeling back the layers. Just for a few moments try on the words "mommy" and "daddy"....use her name....together talk about how it feels, how life will change. And then go back to protecting your heart.

    Take this as you will! Ultimately you know how best to proceed.

  9. Well, that sounds exactly how we feel. I have a ton of baby stuff from friends, we're peering at baby seats and I got my eye on a crib, I'm talking to my girlfriend about when we go waking our babies together, it still seems unreal....

  10. It's hard. Very hard. I'm grateful we only had a week of waiting until we brought our little girl home. I would have gone crazy. And I did shut myself down during that week, wouldn't think or talk positively about her being my daughter.

    That's awesome that Y is sending you ultra sound pictures. What a treasure.

  11. I know I don't really know you guys or anything about adoption, but as a new mommy I think you're making the right decision to go for the birth/as soon as you can. I know you blogged about how parents, etc. were more likely to tell you to go for it and I agree. Try to remember as much as you can about those first precious days w/ baby J.